Not a Day has Gone by where I haven’t Missed You

Not a day has gone by where I haven’t missed you
I think of you often
I wonder if you think of me too
I wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time from opposite ends of the world
Miles apart yet bound together in thought
Inescapable from each other’s hearts
Imprinted on each other’s soul
I remember what it was like to have you by my side
I think of your eyes and your smile
And the smile in your eyes
I think of your hands
So small and gentle
And your voice
Delicate like rose petals
I think of you in all your glory
From the little girl who looks up at me from underneath my arm
To the wild headstrong city-brewed rebel who might be the first girl I’ve ever had to keep up with
You kept me on my toes and surprised me
You my dear, my sweet fascination, you made my life that much more interesting

It’s not hard to see how a girl like you can drive a man wild
The kind of wild where he will quit his job and move across the country for you
The kind of wild where you become his center
The kind of crazy that puts you at the end of his tunnel vision
This is where a man might lose himself
Admittedly, I lost myself here once
You were all I could think about
Being with you was my high and the absence of you sent me into withdrawals
I needed you like a drug
More and more
I craved your sweet intoxication
Worsening and worsening with each full dose of time spent together
More powerless to you
Addicted
Obsessed
Too much
Crazy
Wild
Youth

Not a day has gone by where I haven’t missed you
Wondering with both terror and excitement how I will handle your return
How I will behave when your scent is in the air again
I’ve grown so much since your leave
I’ve gained so much perspective
Awoken with clarity and resolve
I’ve become a new man with each passing day
And yet will the drug you offer still bring me to my knees?
No, it will not
I don’t ever want to need you again
Grabbing someone else to breathe pulls them down and causes both to drown
I don’t need you
But that doesn’t change how much I want you
I do want you
Still
Even after everything
Perhaps because of everything
I want it all- the whole package
Everything I love and hate and can’t tell the difference between
I want you
Not as my drug, most certainly not as my antidote, but as my vitamin
My source of strength
Not the person I cling to to lift my chin above the water
But the person who motivates me to kick harder and breath as we swim side by side
I’m not drawn to you like a moth to the flame anymore
Helpless and out of control
But it’s not because your fire is any less beautiful
The beautiful part now is that I have a choice
And the beauty of it is that I still choose you
Clearheaded and sure of myself
Ready to take on a challenge and surf through the crazy waves of life
I don’t have you romanticized anymore
You are who you are and I love you for that
I want you, I choose you
And if you don’t choose me
That’s okay
I accept
I do
I’ll walk away with grace
And I’ll remember you
And I’ll smile

Ride that Wave

Ride that wave child
Journey on
Because life is grand
But life’s not long
Feel what you can feel
To it’s greatest extent
and find pleasure in the feelings
For a life well spent
Exhaust your emotions
On all that is good
And may you never be hurt
Though I won’t knock on wood
Cause the wood here is useless
Since hurt you will be
It will happen to you
It will happen to me
So what must we do
When with pain we are faced?
We must remain strong and centered
And respond well with grace
For it is our character
We build in this way
In how we act and respond
And we live day by day
So don’t let it sadden you
Please don’t you fret
Over rough seas ahead
Because I think you forget
A storm brings a rainbow
Perhaps a pot of gold
But you will never find it
If you stay in from the cold
Take risks!
Because the biggest
is not taking one at all
If you box yourself up
Or “guard” yourself with a wall
Love honest and true
And above all, love hard
Look at your hand
And then play your card
But don’t quit the game
And try not to fold
There’s a lesson in poker
That needs to be told
You can fold and play safe
But safe will never win
Instead just play smart
And know when to go all in
Let intuition guide you
So you can ride that wave
And don’t second guess
Once you’re on it, be brave
Ride the hell out of your wave
And of many waves to come
Find your heart in those waves
And your soul in the sun
Know why you ride
So that you can ride on
Figure out what’s important
And then write your song
Sing it loud and in the open
For all ears to hear
For this is your memoir
You saying “I’m here”
So ride that wave child
And when you ride sing your song
It may not be perfect
But it will never be wrong
You’ll be pleasantly surprised
When the world sings along.

Good People

We make mistakes

We make the wrong decisions

We think we know what will make us happy

We seek the short term pleasures over long term fulfillment

We go right instead of left

We miss an exit

We miscommunicate

We hurt the people we love

We break a few hearts

We say the wrong things

We say the right things at the wrong time

We don’t say anything at all

We try to act like we don’t care

We think the problem is that we care too much

That is naïve immaturity. There is no such thing as caring too much

We try to do the right thing

And yet, we make mistakes

We learn, but often too late

At least we’re learning

We say things we don’t mean

We don’t realize that we don’t mean the things we say

We don’t realize what the things we say mean

We don’t realize that sometimes they are mean

What I mean to say is that we make mistakes

We try to be good people

I’ll Try

I could tell you everything I want to tell you

But only you could choose to hear

I can tell you it will be okay

If you share with me your fears

I could wrap my arms around you

But only you could hold me back

I can dream about us

But only we can make us a reality

I could say that I love you

But only you can decide the weight of those words

I’ll send you off with goodnight

If you wake me with good morning

I’ll sing you to sleep

If you sleep in my arms

I could tell you why I love you

If you promise not to leave me feeling vulnerable

I can dance with you

If you can give in to the music and me

I could be yours forever

If you say yes and give yourself back

I could tell you that you have beautiful eyes

If you let me stare into them whenever I like

I could kiss you

If you meet me halfway

I can be your sun and stars

If you would be my moon

I could sing about my love for you

If you offered me a tune

I would protect and defend you

If you stayed by my side

I could be whatever you want

If you would be my pride

I promise to wipe away your tears

If you let me see you cry

I can’t promise to be everything you’ve ever wanted

But I promise you I’ll try

We Are

Sometimes I dream that we could be forever

Two rhythmic energies of the same wavelength

Catching each other

Cradling and caressing one another

We are.

All that ever was and all that ever will be.

I imagine the fiery energy flowing through our veins

Waiting a lifetime to escape.

Pressurized and captive in our vessels.

Weighed down by the mass. The flesh, blood, and bone.

We pass and transform.

Bursts. Fireworks.

A universe revealed as our flames intertwine.

Soaring. Expanding. Infinite.

And we dance like we’ve never danced before

We are electric.

Exploring. Feeling. Sensations. Stimulation.

The physical touch. The mental touch. The emotional touch.

Overload, ecstasy. Perfections. And Harmony.

Our borders and boundaries a thing of the past

A paradox in our timeless universe.

We are meshing forces.

Two entities indistinguishable as separate

We speed and fly and explode, into and out of one another.

Losing pieces of ourselves to each other until we forget who is who

We become singular. Making love redefined.

We are spiritual volcanoes roaming the cosmos

We are electric.

Conscious forces. Living electromagnets.

We pulse.

We are indescribable.

Makeup

It’s not the makeup that she puts on

But how she does it

With such care and delicacy

All of her focus on a single point

It’s the way she caresses her face with colors

It’s the build towards that moment when she is ready to stop

When she feels beautiful enough

Satisfied with her face and her work on it

It’s art

And like all art, the beauty is in the process

Cigarette

I like you when you’re here

You’re all mine

My little sweet fixation

I’m comfortable with you

You relax me

Give me a high like no one else

But then you’re gone

Just as fast as you came

And I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth

Wondering how I can savor this feeling without destroying myself

Wondering how I can love something so much that causes me so much pain

Are the temporary pleasures worth the permanent damage?

Stress and suffering seduce the soul

Reduce its years, produce a hole

A love like this is no love at all

Just an unrequited infatuation of an illusory satisfaction

Which will release its grip and lose all its traction

Causing a realization of the need of my action

Let go of this drug and forget this attachment

Before my insides turn black and my outsides grow frail

You are my addiction my dear and I must say goodbye

Don’t need you or cigarettes to help me to die

Just Begun

I hate that she can still make me so uncomfortable

I hate that she makes my insides stir

I hate that she has this power over me

But still I could never hate her

I hate how goddamned cute she is

But love to watch her from afar

When she cant feel my eyes on her

When on her my eyes are

I could lose myself forever this way

Stealing gaze upon a stare

And if it hurts me deep inside

Then strangely I don’t care

I wish that I could kiss her lips

And tell her all that’s true

But time heals wounds and wounds need healing

So time will have to do

Perhaps its true that in this life

For us its now all done

But then I look at her and know

No… we’ve just begun

Two Pretty Eyes

You have the most beautiful eyes

They had power

They could steal the words from my lips

Kept my eyes transfixed

Electricity would course through my veins

When our eyes met

We closed a circuit called love

The greatest feedback loop of all

But times change and things do too

So it’s funny to think about those eyes on you

That those eyes which once put me in free fall

I can look into now and feel nothing at all

The depth has been lost and the feelings have vanished

The sensations of past I can only recall

Because now they’re just eyes.

Two pretty eyes. And that’s all.

Numb

I’m not sure when it happened. I’m not sure why it happened. But somehow it just did. One day I looked into your eyes and didn’t really see you there. And I tried to find you. I tried so hard. But you weren’t there. And I was sad. The next time, I was hurt. The following time I was devastated. Then eventually I expected it. Then I started to care less and less. And that destroyed me the most. I didn’t want to lose you or lose myself to you. I just wanted us back as we were. Two young kids in love. Two people who had very little in common except for the fact that they were crazy about one another. For the first time in my life, I had known the meaning of crazy in love. Jesus I was crazy about you. You were my first and last thought each day. Yours was the face I dreamt of. Eventually, I became numb.