Not a Day has Gone by where I haven’t Missed You

Not a day has gone by where I haven’t missed you
I think of you often
I wonder if you think of me too
I wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time from opposite ends of the world
Miles apart yet bound together in thought
Inescapable from each other’s hearts
Imprinted on each other’s soul
I remember what it was like to have you by my side
I think of your eyes and your smile
And the smile in your eyes
I think of your hands
So small and gentle
And your voice
Delicate like rose petals
I think of you in all your glory
From the little girl who looks up at me from underneath my arm
To the wild headstrong city-brewed rebel who might be the first girl I’ve ever had to keep up with
You kept me on my toes and surprised me
You my dear, my sweet fascination, you made my life that much more interesting

It’s not hard to see how a girl like you can drive a man wild
The kind of wild where he will quit his job and move across the country for you
The kind of wild where you become his center
The kind of crazy that puts you at the end of his tunnel vision
This is where a man might lose himself
Admittedly, I lost myself here once
You were all I could think about
Being with you was my high and the absence of you sent me into withdrawals
I needed you like a drug
More and more
I craved your sweet intoxication
Worsening and worsening with each full dose of time spent together
More powerless to you
Too much

Not a day has gone by where I haven’t missed you
Wondering with both terror and excitement how I will handle your return
How I will behave when your scent is in the air again
I’ve grown so much since your leave
I’ve gained so much perspective
Awoken with clarity and resolve
I’ve become a new man with each passing day
And yet will the drug you offer still bring me to my knees?
No, it will not
I don’t ever want to need you again
Grabbing someone else to breathe pulls them down and causes both to drown
I don’t need you
But that doesn’t change how much I want you
I do want you
Even after everything
Perhaps because of everything
I want it all- the whole package
Everything I love and hate and can’t tell the difference between
I want you
Not as my drug, most certainly not as my antidote, but as my vitamin
My source of strength
Not the person I cling to to lift my chin above the water
But the person who motivates me to kick harder and breath as we swim side by side
I’m not drawn to you like a moth to the flame anymore
Helpless and out of control
But it’s not because your fire is any less beautiful
The beautiful part now is that I have a choice
And the beauty of it is that I still choose you
Clearheaded and sure of myself
Ready to take on a challenge and surf through the crazy waves of life
I don’t have you romanticized anymore
You are who you are and I love you for that
I want you, I choose you
And if you don’t choose me
That’s okay
I accept
I do
I’ll walk away with grace
And I’ll remember you
And I’ll smile

Author: Rami Shafi

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