First Drop

I don’t quite know what to say. There are too many ways to describe how I feel right now and perhaps not a single one that can give it justice. It’s all so contradictory. I feel numb and I feel overflowing with emotions. My heart is racing but it feels like it has stopped. I’m not quite sure what to feel right now. Is it sadness? Is it happiness? Is it comical? Is it soul crushing? Is it motivational?
The girl I love, the girl who still holds my heart just waltzed back into my life. I knew she wouldn’t be gone forever. She left 5 months ago with a backpack and farewells and plans to travel the world. Every day I had missed her and every day I was excited and anxious for when she would return. It also terrified me, and rightfully so. But we’ll get to that later. Anyways, she came back. After all the times I had imagined what it would be like to see her again. After so much anticipation. It was surreal. She fit back in like a jigsaw piece. I turned around and there she was. Standing three feet away from me with the same smile on her face. Like she never even left. And it all came back like a flood. Everything I love about her, everything I feel about her. It was overwhelming. My heart was beating like I had just run a marathon. I didn’t know what to say or what to think. I knew she wouldn’t be gone forever yet now that she’s here I’m astonished. I almost can’t believe it. But I have to believe it because it’s real. I couldn’t stop staring at her while we worked. Just like old times. Then we went out for drinks after. It was all like a dream. We ended up alone. We took a cab to my house. She rolled a jay the way she always used to. We got into bed. We slept together but didn’t have sex. She wakes up this morning and tells me that the reason we didn’t hook up was because she is seeing someone. Someone that she has been seeing since before she left for her trip. Oh this girl. This crazy girl that I love. She fucks with my head and my heart so much. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Do I try to get her back? Do I bide my time? Do I move on? She wouldn’t have come back home with me if she wasn’t conflicted about what she wants. Clearly she still feels something for me but just didn’t want to cheat on her boyfriend. I can respect that. I don’t know what any of it means. She has always been the most difficult to decipher. It’s a headache and a heartache that I wasn’t expecting to deal with so soon after her return. With her it’s always a crazy ride. I’ve been slowly cranking my way up the ramp of her daunting rollercoaster as I waited for her to return. Now here she is and I’m going down that first drop at full speed and it’s terrifying and exciting and I have no idea what’s next. There is no way out. I just have to finish the ride this time then see if I want to ride again.

Author: Rami Shafi

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