Found Connection

Thank you stranger for inspiring me

And driving me a little crazy

I wouldn’t call it a missed connection

That was all it needed to be

A moment of subtle contact

We didn’t say a word

Didn’t even look into each other’s eyes until that last moment

And yet you drove me wild just a moment

You sat down on those tight subway seats

Right next to me on a packed car

I felt the side of your arm against mine

It was warm

Bare skin on skin

I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable

But I loved the contact

I would let you decide

I waited and you didn’t move

The train shifted and we fell apart

Then you came back closer

Pressed tighter

I see you slightly turn your head

I catch you staring at my arms

I want to know everything about you

But I also love knowing nothing

I wonder what you’re thinking

I like your gold nail polish

I brave a solid sideways glance

You’re beautiful

I want to touch more of you

A thought that remains a thought

I wonder what you’re thinking

I wonder if you enjoy this anonymous contact as much as I do

The touching of a strangers skin

A subtle intimate connection

I start to feel nuts

Is this special moment all in my head?

And just then you reach your stop

You stand

You look me right in the eyes and smile

A small secretive smile

Maybe you’re blushing?

I’m flushed

Frozen before I remember to smile back

You keep holding that gaze

I couldn’t look away if I wanted to

Locked in our second contact now

Until you pass through the doors

Now you’re lost

I’m tempted to turn and find you again

Through the window

But I don’t

I let you go

And I’m grateful

Connection found.

Strangers I’ll Never Know

I’m on the D train heading to Marina Abramovic’s gallery. Aaron is working at the gallery and invited me to go so I grabbed Joe to go with me. I’m not quite sure what to expect. Aaron tells me it’s a blind and deaf improv jam where they take a bunch of people, blindfold them and cover their ears, then throw them all in a room to see what happens. I’m curious to say the least.

Wow. I just left the gallery. It was such a thrilling experience. They have you leave all of your belongings in a locker and then they blindfold you, cover your ears, and lead you by the hand into the space. The man who led me in let go of my hand, gave me a pat on the shoulder, and then I was on my own. I started by sticking my hands out and taking a few small steps. It wasn’t long until I ran into the first person. We bumped into each other and then found each other’s hands. I explored and felt the person’s shoulders and could tell it was a man. We gave each other a squeeze and went our own ways. This process continued with many other people. Some were standing still, some were walking around, some were sitting against a wall, others had formed small groups sitting down in the center. I was nervous about other people’s comfort level in the room. I wanted to touch every person all over but I didn’t want to violate anyone’s boundaries. I wanted to touch people’s faces and try to imagine what they looked like. I really wanted to feel everyone’s size and shape. The body is so fascinating with all of it’s diverse forms. Eventually I started getting more open and playful with the people I would bump into. I lifted one girl off the floor and twirled her then let her hand go. I sat down with a group of three people and held hands with a girl for a while. I bumped into Joe and recognized him by his shoulders. We traveled around the room for a bit until I bumped into this girl on the floor. This girl was by far my most fascinating encounter of the exhibit. As soon as I brushed her with my foot she reached out and grabbed me. I sat down next to her and we began to feel each other. I held her hands and massaged them for a little  before moving my way up her arms. She was so warm. There was something about the openness of this girl that really attracted me to her. She felt my arms and my thighs. I felt her shoulders and her neck. I felt her shoes. Converses. Joe tried to pull me away but I brushed him off and he went away. She ran her hands through my hair then grabbed my hands and placed them on her face. I ran my fingers over her face making out her features then moved them back into her hair. She had long hair that went halfway down her back. I then ran my fingers down her arms and we paused for a second just connected at the fingertips. I had the intense urge to kiss this mysterious stranger. To experience something wild and unknown. I noticed she had a ring on her ring finger but it wasn’t an engagement ring or a wedding band. I became really nervous and my heart started beating so fast. By this time our legs were intertwined and our faces were inches apart. I could feel her breath on my lips. Just then a man lifted up my ear cover and whispered that my friend said it was time for rehearsal. Dammit Joe! I gave this magnificent mystery girl’s hand a firm squeeze which she returned then let her go and was led out of the exhibit in the same manner I was brought in. I was in awe once they had taken off the blindfold and ear covers. I’ll never know who that girl was. I’ll never know her name or what she looked like. And yet, I felt more connected to her than I have felt with another person in a long time. That is what I call fantastic art. Once the blindfold was off, the first person I saw was Aaron who was standing right in front of me. He smiled, hugged me, and told me I did great. I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant because it didn’t seem like it was something you could be good or bad at. He told me that I had made a girls day. Apparently the girl that I had twirled early on had been getting stepped on by everyone and no one stopped to acknowledge her. She had been getting very frustrated and emotional but then when I bumped into her and lifted her off the floor and spun her, she threw her hands down and smiled for the first time that someone had cared. Apparently this girl comes to the gallery often and just sits on the floor for hours and hours. It’s funny because it was something that I had done almost absentmindedly not really thinking about what a small gesture might mean to someone else but Aaron said that he had to hold back tears. That truly made my day as well.

What I Know

Here is what I know. Today I went out into the world and discovered. I reinvented myself. I walked the long way because I wanted more journey. I met someone new. We danced in the street. We had a long conversation. We discussed energy and false boundaries. We touched often while talking. She told me I made her more beautiful. I told her she did it herself. We hugged and told one another that we loved each other. I left feeling inspired and uplifted. I was connected to everything. I texted a friend and lover about the absurdity of boxing in ideas; the dangers of separation and exclusivity. She asked me why people are mean and told me that I make her feel normal. I learned about yoga. I challenged my ego. I chose not to be offended. I let go and was at peace. I connected to my breath with every step. I felt the pressure of the ground pushing back on my feet and still felt weightless. I was aware of my relationship to every person I passed. I tasted the air. I laughed without caring. I stood still and noticed. I listened to music. I decided that I would dance through the street for one week straight only stopping for sleep and bathroom breaks, eating and changing clothes as I go. The artist is still fucking present. I imagined walking down the street with my arms outstretched to the sides, middle fingers up, then making a heart on my chest and blowing a kiss to the camera. I acknowledged that I loved everyone as much as I love myself. I noticed my sadness and was happy for it. I embraced it all. I loved it all. I moved through it all. I reflected on the relationship between everything. I connected the dots. I admired the oneness. I was lost in a sea of energy. Not part of it, but all of it. I closed my eyes. I felt the sun on my skin and thought about giving warmth back to the sun. I was grateful. I felt the wind on my face and smiled. I indulged. I fasted. It was spiritual. It was emotional. It was physical. It was meditative. It was all one experience. It was everything. Everything is everything. Words are limiting tools that often fail us.

 

I hear you. Now hear me. What do I mean when I say yoga is dance? It’s exactly what I mean when I say you are me and I am you. Clearly we are not the same and yet we are. And the differences that make us so beautiful, at the same time don’t even exist. And neither does time for that matter. Its all an illusion. Its all just a dream. This is all JUST ENERGY. It’s shattering of the walls. It’s universal truth. Universal consciousness. It’s the collective mind body and soul in harmony towards something greater. Yoga is dance, dance is yoga, and really it’s all sex. Something we can’t put into words. Its connection and presence. It’s life.

 

This is me. I am learning. I am not perfect because the world is not perfect and vice versa. We need it to be that way. We need the ugly and darkness for balance. I also know nothing. I don’t know if this is a rant, freewrite, love letter, or apology. Note to self. Note to you. One in the same. It feels good to write. I question you. I question myself. I am curious about everything. I hate my ego yet it is part of me. I fight it nonetheless. I question if I write the word “I” too much and what that means. But then loving me is loving the universe is loving you. Thanks for the loop.

 

Still don’t know what I’m doing here but I’m just about done. Welcome to my process. Naked vulnerability. Open creativity. We are the creaters. We are the gods. God is love, light, and vibration. God is, wait for it… ENERGY. Life force. Life fucking force. Oh wow. Feelings. What’s this? Interesting at least. Sentences get shorter. Mind gets clearer. Going off the deep end? Perhaps. Starting to sound mad? Might be more pleasant there. We’re all mad here and fuck normal anyways. I don’t need you to get me because you already know. 😉 Is this writing? Is this language? Is this communication? Is this meaningful? Who knows. Is this poetry? Is it bullshit? Does it matter? Of course it does. I’m going to go dance now or do yoga or whatever the hell anyone wants to call it. I’m just gonna be. My body is a monument. And yet just a receiver; an antenna for what’s us. My movement is the story of my life. My soul is in you. Can you feel it? Do you agree? Do you disagree? We are always at war so that we can fight for peace. Just write me off as a hippie already. Bye babes.

 

 

 

 

Fourth of July

I’ll never forget the sweet disposition of Fourth of July

Stars stripes and sparklers

Reflecting off the black asphalt

Music playing from the cars the way we used to do it

Doors open. Volume cranked

Headlights lighting up our stage

I’ll never forget dancing in the parking lot

Or running down high st to coliseum

Not because we were late but because walking did the night no justice

I’ll never forget how much beer we drank

Unless I already have

I’ll never forget little Natalie and her midnight shorts

Or Molly and her infectious laughter.

I’ll never forget the sweet disposition of the Fourth of July

It was the manifestation of wild and reckless youth.

And every time I hear the first few strums of that temper trap magic

I’m there

Once again

It’s Fourth of July

A warm summer night

I have a smile on my face

I’m running around an empty parking lot with people I love

Sweat soaked clothes

Sparklers in hand

Dancing

Living

Being free

Allways Stationary. Allways Moving.

I do believe that movement is life

And yet

Sometimes I find myself so stationary

Stuck in a period

An idea

A person

I was a seed when I met her

And in her I found my grounding

Spreading my roots deep

From there growing strong

Reaching new heights and lengths

Blossoming into something beautiful

I never even knew was inside of myself

Learning new truths

Finding new lights

Accepting light I never knew was available to me

Turning my face towards the sun

Bearing fruits of love, happiness, joy

Of sadness, struggle, sacrifice

Finding a wholesome existence

In harmony with everything around me

Yet always rooted in her soul

Finding myself through her reflections

Trusting her to keep me watered

Growing up and down all at once

Expanding into the world

Through the conscious and subconscious

Through the spoken and unspoken

Through reality and dreams

Experiencing all changes

Except for where I’m sourced

And so to be uprooted

Feeling like I need her earth

Missing the home that made me

Yearning for her nourishment

Now having to believe everything she taught me

I will grow where I’m planted

So now I find balance

Between the expected and the unexpected

My wants and my needs

The darkness of the ground

And the light of the air

Enjoying the breeze

Letting it sway my leaves

Letting it open

And continue to open

As the seasons will change

And with them do I

Learning not to fear my nakedness

For soon I shall bloom

Damaged but beautiful

Crooked but perfect

And again and again

And around we will go

Always stationary

Always moving

Don’t Wait

So often in life we catch ourselves waiting. Waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect opportunity. We wait to have enough money, we wait till we can put the words together to say exactly what we feel without betraying ourselves, we wait to do the things we want in order to do them “the right way.” Don’t wait darling. The perfectionist can spend his whole life waiting along with the cowardly and insecure. Life is about the imperfections. We learn our way not by waiting, but by doing. So don’t be passive with the gift of life. The perfect time is the time that you have and time that you have is now. It’s the only opportunity that we can count on. The opportunity of today. Dreams on hold are wasted energy. Turn your dreams into goals. Abandon security and trust yourself. Quit the job you hate. Take what you have and go travel. If you love someone, tell them. Approach the unfamiliar with excitement and breathe in as much of the universe as possible. Don’t shy away from making decisions. Make them often and make them boldly. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Don’t wait. Today is your day.

Best Friend First

You’re a special one

Together we break the rules

Together we rebel

Together we’re fools

Together we’ll excel

With you I’m comfortable

With you its easy

With you there’s no judgement

I’m allowed to just be

You let me be me

I want the same for you

To see you succeed

In all things that you do

Your my partner in crime

My confidante

My distraction from time

And the one that I want

We die alone

That’s the truth

But we live together

Throughout this youth

When I need someone

You’re always there

To listen, encourage

And show that you care

You keep things so simple

That’s something I love

If asked where my heart’s at

It’s you I’d think of

Whatever this is

It’s a kind of magic

You’re my best friend first

My lover second

I’ll Remember

I will never think of you as a shit person

Sure, we’ve lost something

But I’ll remember when we had a dream

When you saw what I saw

believed what I believed

Infinite possibility in the palm of our hand

When you trusted me enough to share a vision with me

Share a life with me

A simple truth

When you inspired me

When you trusted yourself to let you have fun with me

I’ll remember the totally wild and reckless abandon

Seeing laughter pour out of you like from an

Endless stream

On the back of a jet ski

Running full speed through the woods

Or dancing till the sun comes up

I’ll remember you in the music we’ve shared

I’ll remember your curiosity, your openness, your crave for adventure

I’ll remember your passion and fire

I’ll remember you crying because it’s all so beautiful

I’ll remember you wide-eyed

Yearning for more

Soaking it all in

I’ll remember your playfulness

I’ll remember you as baby

Cuddling to keep warm

Snuggling to keep safe

I’ll remember us fused

I’ll remember us as worms

I’ll remember feeding you popcorn on the kitchen floor, cross-legged and happy as a clam

I’ll remember you jumping in first with all your clothes on

I’ll remember the way you walk into the party

The way you look up when you dance

Cause you’re feelin yourself

I’ll remember the exact shape of you

Every curve crevice and the touch of your skin

The warmth of your body

I’ll remember your smell

The sound of your voice

The feeling of waking up to you

Of trusting you to be there

Your head on my shoulder and your legs tangled in mine

I’ll remember your excitement for a life that was ours

I’ll remember feeling powerful and infinite with you

That blissful youthful arrogance of feeling unstoppable

I’ll remember when you used to say yes

When you used to say hell yes

I’ll remember your wanderlust

Your lust for life

I’ll remember the way you move when you feel sexy

The look in your eyes when you want me

That devilish look that started it all

I’ll remember the way you look at yourself in the mirror

Chin pulled down, lips slightly pouted, eyes slightly squinted

Turning side to side to see yourself from all angles

I’ll remember you changing your outfit ten times before putting the first one back on

I’ll remember the look on your face when you’re inspired

In awe of the world around you

I’ll remember when you let me in

Sharing your mind and soul

Letting me see the true beauty inside

Uncensored, unscripted, raw and unfiltered

I’ll remember these things

Because this is why I love you

And this is how I will always

Always choose to remember you

Open Water

In open water

Drifting over deep blue

Watching the rolling waves

In their seemingly unstructured chaos

Yet making all the sense in the world

A perfect harmony of relativity

Still following a set of rules

Natural laws

No effect without a cause

And me

Seemingly insignificant in the vastness

Wondering what I’m an effect of

And what cause I’m a part of

Fumbling through life

Lost yet driven

Directionless yet passionate

Fueled by a purpose to unite

To spread joy

To share inspiration

To overcome differences

Better yet, to celebrate them. Value  them

Because there is no difference to which there is no bridge

Try though some might to detach and isolate

To feel exclusive or superior

We are the same

Always more connected than separated

Fighting for a false sense of self

Yet only mere reflections

We are the universal consciousness

Experiencing itself

The one

The force

Seeing itself through different eyes

Receiving itself through numerous antennas

And yet all at once

All right now

And so perhaps I’m no cause or effect of my own physical being

I am all of it

I am the light and the darkness

The good and the evil

I take responsibility for the crimes against life

And the godly creation of all

I am not separate

Not even an intricate piece of something larger

I’m only fooled by the shackles of this body

For my waves radiate far beyond

Effecting and causing itself over and over

More expansive than these endless blue waves

For I am not only I

Lest I am all of it

Even you

Reading this

Whether you know it yet or not

You are me

Experiencing you

And one day we shall fuse again

And be one.

No longer fooled by matter

Instead living through energy without bounds

And then we will finally no longer wander open seas

Directionless or lost

For then we will be home

See you soon babe

Till then, keep choosing light

Everlasting Moment

I long for that timeless hypnosis of you

Your intoxicating energy vibrating my soul

The moment when our naked bodies touch

Sending shockwaves to my core

Your smell is provocative

It hits me like a drug

Emotionally stoned. Physically aroused.

Spiritually awakened.

Your aura is powerful

It heightens my senses

I want to kiss you always

Lick you everywhere

Slow things down as my heart speeds up

In a never ending loop of time and space

That is all you

Me in you

And you in me

And no difference in between

I want to lose sight of myself

And resonate with something larger

Something more wholesome

Blind to logic and reason

Yet making more sense than both

Those ecstatic sensational titillations

That stimulate our nerves

And shake us awake from monotony

I want to get dizzy sweaty stupid

In a lust filled madness

Yet paced and long and dragged out

Til we’re gasping for breath

Reborn through that trembling explosion

Connected from everything leading up to it

And revitalized by the sweet moments after

When our minds reset

And our bodies fight for baseline

Defibrillated by one another

All too human and primal and real

I want to hear your heartbeat

As I feel my blood pulse my veins

Conjoin all our breaths

Inhale your exhale

Having died our two deaths

Four rhythms in harmony

Two bodies well spent

One everlasting moment

That came where we went